Responding to a friend's loss

I just want to "forward" this by saying that I do not write this for myself nor do I know everything on the subject.  But I know there are many hurting people that are starving for someone to care in the ways they need.  So find a friend who needs your support and study them to know how to serve them with a listening ear.  It will deepen your friendship and completely make their day (if not month or even year.  Yes, that's possible!) in ways that you can't imagine. 

Without personal experience, understanding loss is hard.  Four years ago, I had no idea what life would bring my way.  I would have never guessed that the next 4 years would hold more pain than I ever expected possible.  More than that, I had no idea what loss actually felt like or how I should give myself away to a friend facing loss.  None of these thoughts crossed my mind, especially since I was in a small circle of friends who hadn't been through really tough times either.  So here I am to say: it's ok to not know what to say!  There is nothing wrong with that;  and sometimes just being and not saying is the best anyway.  I had a friend recently tell me, "I don't know what to say, but I wish I could be with you right now," which was a really good response.  But to not acknowledge the new "elephant" in your friend's life hurts them and feels like you're ignoring it because it's awkward and you don't know what to say.  (selfish reasons)

If you have a friend who has been through some tough times, and you don't know how to relate or what to do with/for them, here are some clues:

1. Give them some alone time with you in which you focus the conversation on them (unless they are obviously trying to get the focus off of themselves).  Figure out how to draw them out so they can be honest, knowing you sincerely want to hear from them about their loss.  Don't jump on to the subject too quickly.  Add to that, don't start into the topic when you have a limited amount of time. (although this will not always apply.)  If you don't have an opportunity to have alone time together or aren't particularly comfortable talking about it in person, get their address and write letters to let them know that you care and want to hear from them.  I have a friend who has written me several notes of encouragement, telling me so many things I need to hear.  Another great thing about letters is that it gives the receiver time to think through what they'd like to say in return and gives them a chance to write from the heart in their own time.

2. Don't ask "How are you?" and expect them to immediately tell you all of their feelings and pains.  Although you may want them to, you can't expect your friend to tell you everything on the spot without being first drawn out.  (Some people may, but probably not the majority.)  This also has the worst effect when done in front of other people.  It's hard to know how to answer this without either sounding full of self-pity or being dishonest.  Are they supposed to say "I'm doing terribly, thanks for asking" or "Just great!"  For me, this question makes me want to hide.  Try to ask in sincere sensitivity in a personal setting where they feel like they can open up to you alone and more gradually.  This question, if done in passing or a group setting, could be replaced with comments like "I've been thinking about you a lot with ____ situation," "I'm praying for you," or even questions like "What ways has _____ been hardest for you?" or "How can I best pray for you these days?"

3. Frequently at least reference the person they are missing.  This doesn't have to be (and should not be!) overdone or forced.  Maybe share a memory you had with that person or simply say you miss them too.  Maybe ask what they miss most about that person.  I'm sure there are people out there who want to cage up their feelings and don't ever want to open up the thought of that person again.  However, my opinion is that they are in the minority.  I had a friend tell me "It's weird.  I didn't know him very well, but I still miss him." (speaking of my dad.) Hearing that was one of the greatest comforts and it will probably continue to replay in my mind for years.  (This means that even something that simple is so important and treasured.)  It is a relief to know that others are thinking about it, too.

4. Acknowledge the loss without just saying "I'm so sorry."  Not to hurt those who have said this in a well-meaning way, but this statement feels awkward and does not stand alone well.  And don't try to sympathize by putting the focus on yourself by bringing up losses in your life.  It is okay to mention a time of your life by way of relating to them, but don't try to draw attention to it in self-pity.

5. Be willing to humble yourself: ask for advice from your friend to know how to relate to other friends in similar situations.  I am always amazed that, though I have limited experience, I am able to relate to a lot of different kinds of hurts more easily.  Besides that, everyone is instantly encouraged when asked for advice.

6. Don't try to make them open up in front of several people.  It's hard to open up about a sensitive/painful subject when several people are listening.  Usually, I would think, this would shut them down rather than give freedom to talk.  This is really important to be aware of.

7. Ask what they've learned the most through ______  experience.  There are a lot of different ways to respond to hurts, and countless things to learn from them.  Sometimes it's nice to share with someone who is truly interested!  This could also be used as an easy conversation starter.

8. Don't try to comfort by saying "_____  is in such a happy place now!"  Honestly, it's hard to think of someone close being in a happy, pain-free place when I am hurting so much over their absence in my life. Learning to permanently live without someone is really difficult and is not easily comforted by the fact that they are now happy or pain-free.  A friend in a different state wrote me, only hours after I became fatherless, "It was super sunny and hot this morning, but just now it turned stormy....maybe it's because God got sad and in a way I think the world is grieving right along with you."  Maybe that's a small thing, but it was so comforting. Don't be afraid of tears either, or "making your friend sad." (hint: they are already hiding a constant struggle of pain, and it actually diminishes when there is opportunity for release with someone else.)  Be willing to cry with them instead, showing that you want to share the pains in their life.  

9. Spend some time and money on your friend.  Make special memories and take pictures with them.  This is a simple way to make them feel loved.  However, don't try to shut out pain in the process.

10. Don't ignore the loss or assume your friend doesn't want to talk about it.  I would imagine most people want to talk about the person they are missing all of the time, but instead they restrain themselves all the time in order to keep you from being uncomfortable.  At the same time, don't feel like your time has to be consumed with talking/thinking about the loss every time you're together.  They still want to have a good time and make fun memories, even if they don't realize it.  Just don't shut it out.