Reflecting on God's goodness

I wrote and erased and rewrote.  This has happened at least 5 times now.  I wish I were better at words.

Today was filled with a huge mix of emotions.  As I got up for the final day of driving home from South Carolina, I remembered getting up early to drive home on this same day 3 years ago.  Unlike today, May 8, 2015 was not blended with excitement, though.
As I drove in the driveway and saw my house again today for the first time in months, my heart was so happy and thankful.  But it was accompanied by an ache.  3 years later, I still longed--and almost expected--to walk in the front door and see my dad waiting for me.  It has been a long, difficult year at college for me, and I wish I could sit down and tell Dad about everything--about the events that made me laugh, the things that annoyed or discouraged me, the ways that I have changed and grown, the great people that God put in my life, and the daily moments that I've missed him.

Today I feel a little lost and empty, but not quite in the same way I did 3 years ago.  Today I live confident in God's goodness.  When my dad was dying, nothing about the process felt good.  Going to bed every night with fear for the morning did not compel me to thank God.  During that time God was pressing on my heart the reality of his perfect goodness, but I struggled to believe it.  My heart knew it was true, but it seemed so far away from me.  Life felt extremely unfair.  My mind didn't want to process life without Dad, one of my biggest heroes, supporters, and counselors.  That day, and for many to follow, I had to continually tell myself "God is good.  God IS good."  I hardly knew if I believed it, but I did know that I wanted to believe it with all my heart.
I still hurt today.  Yes, I even still ask "why, God?  Why?" because it doesn't feel good.  But my limited feelings don't determine the reality.  God is good in a way far beyond what our minds can even comprehend.  I don't understand it much of the time, but that doesn't mean it disappears.
His goodness is rooted in a love that is deeper than anything else we have ever known.

A lot of things have changed in the past 3 years.  I graduated high-school, bought my first car, and finished my first year of college.  My niece/nephew count went from 11 to 15.  Friends and family have entered new phases of life: relationships, weddings, transitions.  These are all big milestones in my life...milestones that I hoped and prayed my dad would be here to experience with me. I can't tell you how much I miss my dad today, 3 years later.  I would give anything to have him here with me again.  There are so many situations when I long for his advice or even just his listening ear.  I think about him every day and still wish for more drives together and bike rides.  I wish I could wake up to Dad's breakfast and go to bed to his goodnights.  I miss the way he rubbed my back when I did dishes or asked for my input.  Probably a lot will change in the coming 3 years, too.  But my love for Dad will forever be the same, and my God's goodness will not wear out.  His is a love that will never let go of me.

O Love that will not let me go, 
I rest my weary soul in thee; 
I give thee back the life I owe, 
That in thine ocean depths its flow 
May richer, fuller be.

O light that followest all my way, 
I yield my flickering torch to thee; 
My heart restores its borrowed ray, 
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day 
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain, 
I cannot close my heart to thee; 
I trace the rainbow through the rain, 
And feel the promise is not vain, 
That morn shall tearless be.