A reconstructing; a "do not fear"

I got my diploma for my AA in psychology a couple months ago, and it felt like the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.  I know; it’s just an associate degree, which is almost as common as turkey on Thanksgiving.  But to me it represents a whole lot more than just 2 years of university courses.  It is a tangible representation of major overcoming and redirection in my life.

When I started college, I was certain that God was leading me in that direction, but there were so many factors opposing the idea.  At that point, I hated school, I had no idea what a “syllabus” was, I felt extremely insecure about my academic abilities, and I didn’t even know the complete picture of the costs involved.  College was literally one of my worst fears.  Then, as I walked through this door to the entrance of undertaking my fears, I was thrown through another washer cycle of grief.  I also discovered that I didn’t really know at all of what direction I wanted to go with my life, and I didn’t sense a passion for…anything.  I felt like my life had been torn to irreparable shreds.  It was not a pretty time, and I almost dropped out of college on multiple occasions. 

Today I love being a college student, I recover from syllabus shock within 2 days, and I feel passionate about the direction I am going academically.  The fear that I feel with each coming semester, with the prospect of having two more degrees to go before I reach my goals, with the costs involved to reach such goals is a healthy sort of fear that I can keep in its place and that I can couple with an appropriate dose of confidence.  The downpour of heartbreak I experienced taught me how to process grief better and how to give myself space as I continue to live a life sprinkled with hurt.  The passion I feel for what I’m pursuing allows me to approach the future God is preparing for me with enthusiasm rather than dread.

So what happened?  Why the switch from one extreme to another?  I have two explanations, both of which merged together in bringing about the change.  First, I believe God saw a need for major reconstruction in my life, which probably would have happened at some point regardless of the choices I made, and the only way for that to happen was for me to become fully broken.  I thought I had been broken before, but it turned out that I could break even farther.  Left in a million pieces, no number of king’s horsemen could put me back together.  It had to be God, and He did.  Slowly, slowly I was put back together—still the same person, yes…but also no.

The second explanation is that I started listening to God’s voice saying, “Do not fear.”  In most of the angel appearances recorded around the Christmas story in the Bible, the angel arrives with news that is really scary yet exciting.  The news will radically change the individuals’ futures, and it might feel like a breaking and reconstructing. 

But first, the angel declares “do not fear!”  Normally (and with good reason), we interpret that phrase as necessary because of the suddenness and the brilliance involved with the angel showing up.  But maybe—just maybe—the angel is also referring to the fear that might threaten to well up when life is about to turn upside down.

What I’ve discovered in the process of earning my AA is that God is right there in the midst of whatever He calls me to do; and He is telling me “do not fear” because He has a pretty good handle on whatever is going to happen next, even if it is a labyrinth that I didn’t plan on taking.  Through the scary and the unknown and the exciting all at once, God shows up and says, “Do not fear; I’ve got this.”  So these past two years of painful reconstructing have taught me to follow His calling and submit even when I can't see the full picture because He’s present and He’s got a heart that loves me.  I just have to listen.  

Oh, and that Love--it's better than anything we've ever experienced or even imagined.

What's that on the ground?

It's what's left of my heart

Somebody named Jesus broke it to pieces

And planted the shards

And they're coming up green

And they're coming in bloom

I can hardly believe this is all coming true

Just as I am and just as I was

Just as I will be He loves me, He does

He showed me the day that

He shed His own blood

He loves me, oh He loves me, He does

All of my life I've held on to this fear

These thistles and vines ensnare and entwine

What flowers appeared

It's the fear that I'll fall one too many times

It's the fear that His love is no better than mine

(But He tells me that)

Just as I am and just as I was

Just as I will be He loves me, He does

He showed me the day that

He shed His own blood

He loves me, oh He loves me, He does

He loves me, oh, He loves me, He does

Well it's time now to harvest what little that grew

This man they call Jesus, who planted the seeds

Has come for the fruit

And the best that I've got isn't nearly enough

He's glad for the crop, but it's me that He loves

~Andrew Peterson, Just As I Am