Gazing at the Pillar of Fire and releasing our dreams

As a kid I dreamed a lot about what my future would be like.  Everything played out perfectly.  Well, I added in some bumps along the way for effect, but they were resolved and I was still a hero.  

Whether consciously or subconsciously, we often think that life will play out the way we imagined it as kids.  We will smile satisfactorily into each sunset as the sky's colors speak our joy because life is so abundant.  We will jump up every morning with eagerness for another amazing day doing what we love with the people that we love.  We will live in the house of our dreams with all our Pinterest-inspired decorations.

My plans didn't include spending a whole lot of time waiting.  

I don't think most of us do "schedule in" that waiting that is bound to happen.  We expect to coast ahead with a life of open doors and opportunities.  Then we are surprised when God pushes on the brakes, completely removes our control, and says "do you trust Me on this one?"  

Life is so full of decisions, so full of unanticipated turns, so full of moments where we have to say "God, what exactly do you have in mind from here??"  We have probably all been in a position of uneasy waiting on God's answer to something...and if you haven't been there, I can promise you it's looming in your future!  Maybe it's for a job, for housing, for college, for ministry...there is an endless list of ways that God blocks our vision and forces a season of waiting on us.  And sometimes it's more than a season.  Sometimes we wait and wait and wait as season after season goes by.  The leaves start budding on each tree branch and then those same leaves are on the ground getting covered by snow, but you're still asking God to make the waiting stop.  

I know what that is like.  I've waited for God's answers to family health issues, for decisions regarding college, and for housing.  I know that God still sees my resistance to these times of waiting because He is putting me through yet another test where I don't know the timeline.  For the 3rd time in 8 years my family and I have had to quickly and unexpectedly move with only temporary living options available.  It's exhausting.  I'm so prone to complaining about the unknowns and all the stuff in storage that I miss accessing.  I'm sick of boxing everything up and replanting one more time.  I'm tired of watching my life expectations fail again and again.  

We all experience this at one time or another.  We begin to feel alone and deserted...like the waiting will never stop.  Yes, often times it feels scary and dark!  When the Israelites were waiting -- "wandering" -- for 40 whole years, I bet they felt scared and oppressed, too.  I took another look at their journey this week, and I imagine they were outright frustrated and completely done with waiting.  They waited on all kinds of things, even down to the daily provision of food and water.  To them, their slavery in Egypt felt better than this waiting, this miserable unknown.  That sounds crazy.  Did they really forget what that slavery was like?  But we actually tend to feel the same.  The waiting God sets in our lives feels so passive and disruptive to any forward motion.  We would rather be in "slavery" than experience this wilderness.

The Bible speaks of Abraham ("he went out, not knowing where he was going." Hebrews 11:8b) as being filled with faith as he relied on God's leading; the Israelites also waited moment by moment on God, and they picked up and went when God revealed the next step.  For the Israelites, they were gazing on that Pillar of Fire.  We, God's people today, can learn to do the same, whether we're waiting for days, months, or years.  Of course we don't have a physical pillar of fire sitting in front of us, but the concept is the same.  He is still leading us through the night just like He did in the Old Testament.  

It doesn't matter if you're waiting on housing, healing, decisions, or a job; the Pillar of Fire is always there for you.  It is blazing your trail, which will not look quite like anyone else's.  You are part of a great adventure that you can rest in because you are being led by the One who loves you most, and He is holding you through this night.  And this waiting is for a purpose; it stretches, teaches, and broadens out to a better place.  Can we trust that His prepared story for us is even better than the dream we created as kids?

There, in the distance--a pillar of fire
Rumbling like thunder in a dream
It roars among the pines along the lines
Of the great Mississippi

It scatters all the cattle, and it rattles the leaves
It skids across the prairie by the moon
It sings like a choir, this pillar of fire
And the name of God is the burning tune

I can see it whirling, swirling,
Spinning all around
Upward, onward, homeward bound
Oh, Jesus, lead me through the night,
Pillar of Fire

On through the passes of the mountains it goes
As bouldered and broken as my heart
I shiver and cry and I watch as it winds
To the deepest and the darkest parts

I can see it whirling, swirling,
Spinning all around
Now upward, onward, now homeward bound
Oh, Jesus, hold me through the night,
Pillar of Fire
Where, Oh Lord, are you leading?
I can get so scared in the night
My feet are cut and bleeding
With every step I feel less alive

Oh, but Pillar of Fire, you blazed this trail
You've been there every step along the road
From a barn in Bethlehem to Hell and back again
You blazed the trail that leads me home

I can see it whirling, swirling,
Spinning all around
Now upward, onward, now homeward bound
Oh, Jesus, hold me through the night,
Pillar of Fire

On to the ocean I follow it down
Where it sizzles and boils in the waves along the sound
Oh, Jesus, lead me to your shore
Pillar of Fire